The Wreckers

"One more girl on the stage. Just one more ass that got stuffed in some jeans. And it's one more day that you don't find true love because you don't know what it means." ~ One More Girl by Patty Griffin as sung by The Wreckers

I've become aware that there are many women out there who find themselves in a position they never EVER would have believed they would be in. The position I refer to is one of being the 'other' woman. Now I have never been in this exact situation but there was a point in my life where I felt like I was. It was this experience that gave me a different view of this 'other' woman situation.

As the 'other' woman you've been drawn into a situation in which you feel a great deal of sympathy for the guy you're with. He tells you all his stories of woe and you find yourself seeing the good guy inside that is being totally stifled by his wife or girlfriend. It's more than sympathy though. You love this guy and you honestly feel like you're the one that can right all those wrongs. That only you alone can appreciate him for who he really is and that his wife/girlfriend just doesn't get him and never will.

And belive me these men are convincing. They fuel your anger/hatred of his wife/girlfriend very subtley by telling you only 'their' side of the story. They feed you all the negative stories that paint that women in a bad light that make her look like the evil witch. And you sit there and eat it all up because you love this guy and my isn't he sweet because he doesn't want to hurt her despite how 'awful' she's been to him. He is definitely a saint.

"and I wanted to be...giving you everything that she's not giving" ~ Michelle Branch from 'Hotel Paper'

So that whole train of thought can keep you going for a while. It can be quite a while depending on the person. Eventually you start to feel used and cheap. It starts to dawn on you that you aren't worth commitment or time or love. That is the true crime of this mess is that you end up with ruined self-esteem in addition to the already obvious casualty of the wife/girlfriend.

What really should happen is that us as women should be banding together. We shouldn't be tearing one another down. We immediately side with the man and blame the woman for neglecting him. That is where it all starts - at the point where you think you are the 'savior' of this royally screwed up man. If he doesn't already love his wife/girlfriend then he certainly will never show you any respect either. But for some, that realization comes far too late.

A while ago on Oprah a psychologist said that women need to stop taking the interest of a married/committed man as a compliment. Why is it we think that a married/committed man coming to us and saying that we really understand them that we're the ones they really should be with as a compliment? Why are we so quick to blame the woman in his life and not him? As women we should stand together and learn to see these situations for what they really are. If a man really loves you he'd be with you. There would be NO excuses. The longer you lie to yourself about his reasons/motives the longer you put off meeting a person who would love you and would commit to you.

A cheater will never commit to you. They will always be looking for the next person to make them feel better. What it really comes down to is that the cheater is someone who isn't satisfied with themselves. If they aren't satisfied with themselves you'll never be able to fill that gap either. Unfortunately by going along with their charade you are getting dragged down into their world of self-doubt and unhappiness.

So the only solution to the problem is to believe that you are worth the best. You deserve love and you deserve commitment. Any man who is unwilling to give you those things are men that are not worthy of you.

The point of that really long rant is that I'm no longer the judgemental person that condemns the dreaded 'other woman'. I understand her. I understand why she does what she does and I feel for her and her situation. Beneath her deeds she is just another human being looking for love and acceptance that is unfortunately manipulated by another desperate individual.

I also however, understand the scorned woman. She is someone who unless told is in a worse position than the 'other woman'. She doesn't even know she's with someone who doesn't deserve her. She doesn't even have the choice to get out. The person who is supposed to love her the most has deceived her. She is imprisoned in a false reality that she isn't even aware of. Instead they usually find out in an abrupt moment and it suddenly stares them down and then they are forced to watch their entire world crumble in an instant. Sadly, never knowing that their world never existed to begin with.

The other woman can make a conscious choice to escape, while the wife/girlfriend is clueless and trapped. I feel far sorrier for the wife/girlfriend.

In my own life I extracated myself from a damaging situation. For a long time I hated myself because I thought I had ruined my one chance at love in life. But time revealed that I had in fact made one of the smartest decisions of my life. I'm not perfect and I'm still not one piece but I know that I can trust my own judgement. Despite my own doubts, I made the right decision when it tore me up inside to do so. I know that I can choose what is best for me and that is reassuring.

Now, where do The Wreckers fit into this whole thing? I bought their album the other day and read somewhere that they had gotten the name of the band from the fact that they had both at one time inadvertently been 'homewreckers'. Both didn't know but when they learned they quickly corrected the situation. A number of their songs on the album comment on relationship situations of this sort. It made me think so I decided to write a blog about it. Bit of a rant eh?